End Reflections: Things I didn't say

I'm officially done! No more rotations and no more med school. Forever.  It should be more epic feeling that it does right now. Mostly I feel exhausted.  And I don't even really get to relax because I have to finish my thesis, which really puts a damper on finishing. 

I experienced senoritis in high school, some in college, but it was nothing compared to this. NOTHING.  Four board exams and twenty-seven end of chapter exams later..... I honestly experience extreme apathy..... So apathetic actually that I don't even feel like documenting it.

Instead, I will tell you the down and dirty parts of fourth year that I neglected to document because I didn't want it to get around somehow to program directors....

The most stressful part of med school was audition rotations. I know that I wanted ER and all, but I enjoyed those rotations the least-- which I'm still concerned about.  I hated trying to prove myself everyday and feeling like an idiot and constantly being told I was trying too hard but then I was told I wasn't trying hard enough. There was no pleasing them. It wasn't even the academics that were a big deal in auditions-- it was them judging your personality. Everything in chosing a residency is all about your 'fit' with them. Do they want to see you and deal with you for the next several years? They can teach you whatever you need to know, so they want to know how you learn too.
Other people in non-ER also felt this pressure. Several friends of mine going into OB/GYN or even family were judged based on their personality traits being told they were too dark or too bubbly. They had too much apathy.  I was told in a letter of recommendation (not to my face) this phrase:

"Cared for patients with a strong passion. But over-enthusaism and inability to relax made it so we cannot recommend for residency with a strong conscious."

What kinda crock of shit is that? And it wasn't just one audition, another told me I was too apathetic and not caring enough. I had another that told me I was asking too many questions. WTF!  It was all very disheartening and overall I began to wonder if maybe I wasn't fit for ER. My personality was just not good enough, smart enough, fast enough, caring enough, brash enough, or tough enough. I still carry those doubts with me. Its one of the reasons why I was okay with not-matching.

I started realizing that if at the end of the day I hated myself, maybe it wasn't something I should be doing. I also realized that family medicine wasn't something to dump on and that maybe I was kinda good at it. I also thought hey maybe God and the universe is telling me something, so I accepted that I wasn't going to be the ER doctor I thought, and was shocking okay.  Excited even.  And then I got thrown through a loop because I did match.  And now I have to convince myself that this is what I wanted.... and I'm hoping its what I was supposed to do because.... if I'm still miserable in one year, I have every intention of dropping out and trying to get into family med.

There is some point where I can't work this hard for nothing. And hey, if I'm already decent at family med then why not?  I don't wanna work like a dog until i'm 60.  I want to eventually be GOOD at my job. I want to reach a point where I don't have to constantly feel like I don't know what to do. And maybe its a possiblity that I might not be smart enough to do that with ER. And there is no shame in that. I want to have a life outside of medicine where I'm not studying all the time. I want to have a significant life outside of medicine, to the point where I would consider dropping to part time in the future.

I guess I won't know for awhile what to do, and since I'm bound legally to complete the first year of residency I don't really have to decide right now.  I can only hope I'm not the dumbest person in the room and that i'm good at something within ER.

I also feel somewhat uncomfortable since I'm the only girl in my incoming class. And i still feel like ER is a boys club and I will be left out with any social events. Especially since sports is really not my thing and in ER especially, sports is everyone's thing. Maybe I can be friends with other residents in other specialties.


Its also worth mentioning that several of my audition rotations were 'wasted' because i decided after my rotation there that there was no way in HELL i would ever put that site on my list. That was 3 of the 4 rotations i did. And in that way I also wished I had spent more time thinking and looking into where I did my auditions. At least I know now what size hospital I wanted to train at.... I spend a lot of time thinking about if I had done my list differently would I have got a different spot or not matched or what.... Its kinda unfair we never find out where the place ranked us or what other places thought of us.

whelp... graduation is soon and I gotta get going on this stupid thesis.

In the meantime, I plan to continue this blog into residency although the consistency of the posts may or may not be reasonable.  But i will do my best.

Until July....

Elective: Prevention, Nutrition, Anesthetics, Wt loss

So this guy has a different look at medicine.

He is a D.O. And he believes that instead of waiting until disease gets to the point of train wreck, we should treat early to prevent. Basically, we wait until a disaster hits and try to fix it and dont understand why patients still feels crappy.

So he uses the idea of balance and whole body wellness to look at the big picture and then the bad stuff tends to get better on its own. So he looks at nutrition using both blood and urine, as well as toxins like mecury and lead, he also does several specific labs for absorption, tests everyone for hormone levels (not just sex hormones, but thyroid, insulin, and neurotransmitters).  He uses these labs and supplements and diet, exercise to balance those who come into his office.

Its been quite an experience, because I've seen him get his patients off their blood pressure meds, their insulin, and lose weight.  I've seen them stop smoking and they ACTUALLY FOLLOW HIS DIRECTIONS.  And i think the key is he charges cash only and waits until they come to him.  So his patients are those who actually want help.

Its been inspiring to see. And having all his patients leave feeling a little better or looking a little better. I'm surprised at how looking better has a huge impact on mental and physical health. Lots of people who other doctors would call coukey or crazy into alternatives, are really looking for science to help with true health.  Many of them are really sick and have been screwed by regular medicine. Others have always been healthy or alternative and want to stay that way.  Its a good reminder.

My time here has been fulfilling. Being in a healthy atmosphere helps me stay health conscious. It helps the staff and even to some extent the patients. Losing weight, everyone having protein shakes and going to the gym, and sharing good tasting but healthy recipes actually works on my health. I've gone to the gym 5x week and felt pretty good about the things i eat and whatnot. Its good to have that reminder and that motivation.

I'm glad to end my med school career with this good reminder to keep my mind open and don't blow them off. Remembering that patient education is still really important, the diagnosis isn't always the finish line, and prevention is really where it needs to be.

I'd love to come back years from now and consider opening up my own clinic like this and help those around me get healthier.